In a time filled with chaos and mixed emotions, a time that moves faster than my own thoughts and in a world that has grown rather cold and strange to me, I find myself crept in a corner, writing a story that takes me away, away from it all…I find myself daydreaming of beauty, desire and love.
I hope you like the story and you can daydream with me, even for a moment, be her, be him, it does not matter.
Some of you will not understand this story; others will know exactly what I am talking about. The story is for all of you.
I had met many Casanova’s in my life and I knew their mind games, tricks and deceit. Though I cannot say I was totally immune to their charm. The deadliest seducers of them all were the ones that had the looks, talent and brain, all in one and knew how to use a combination of those quite well. I recall a conversation with one of them… and though he was a hunter I was never his prey. But he did make me understand the game better, perhaps even understand men better.
We were in a restaurant enjoying a glass of wine and just facing one another.
‘What is it with men and their constant need to conquer?’ I asked.
‘You’re a woman so you can’t possible understand,’ he said condescendingly.
‘I understand that you, men, are just as smart as you were thousands of years ago. Yet you haven’t evolved one bit, just the animal instinct like it has always been, spread the seed, have as many as you can.’
‘When you put it that way, you take all the fun out!’ He squinted in a sweet manner.
‘Yes, spread the seed, you say it as if the woman does not approve, as if I just take and leave.’
‘No, she enjoys it too and I give her the night of her life.’
‘How kind of you,’ I said sarcastically.
‘Why do you say it like that? A woman loves to have that one passionate night that she will remember all her life, to chuckle and blush at the very thought of the details of that night. How great it was, how intense…’
´You really do have a very high opinion about yourself, don’t you?’
‘Well, I know I’m good at it.’
‘You act as if you are the best! ´
´Would you like to try? ´
´No, I meant to say that you only act like that.’
‘I don’t go there and just perform. The woman does her part. She unleashes her desires and shows me all that she can be. It’s not just me, the sex is great because we are both committed, in the moment and truly in love with each other.’
‘So, that’s what you live for, moments?’
‘Isn’t life just a series of moments until we grow old and realize that’s all we have left? Think what you like but I loved and respected all the women I had, and remember every one of them.’
‘Love? Your love is temporary.’
‘That kind of love is always temporary.’
‘So your love for let’s say your mother, father, those are also temporary?’
‘No, of course not! If I’d love my women like I love my family there would be no passion. And love should always go with passion.’
‘What about children?’
‘What about them?’
‘Don’t you want a family of your own some day?’
‘Then what the hell are you looking for?’
‘Challenges, passion, moments, have you not been listening?’
‘Isn’t that just avoiding the fact that you’re not happily married?’
‘I am happily married!’
‘Uh..I really don’t understand.’ At this point I leaned back and watched him confused.
‘I love my wife, I worship her but I need my own distractions from time to time and it’s only good for us. I love her with just as much passion as I love all of them, perhaps even more.’
‘But what is love and love? You love your wife, you love your women, you love your parents…Which is which?’
‘Why must you analyze it so?’
‘Because I don’t understand. Did someone break your heart in the past? Is that it?’
‘Why must there be something wrong with me? Something wrong in my past? Women always like us scarred and complicated, mature and playful, wanted by all yet not looking at any, an angel and a devil, a child and a parent…it’s controversial, it’s impossible. It’s wanting a man good in bed but how do you think he can become that good?’
‘Are you saying that all men should sleep with hundreds of women in order to gain experience and thus satisfy more women?’
‘It’s not a bad idea. Why are you looking at me like that?’
‘And women? Shouldn’t they?’
‘Not really, men dominate, women don’t. A man must feel like a man.’
‘You sound like a cave man!’
‘Our urges and instincts have never changed. Our fear and society decided to put us on a leash. Why not think free? Why not live free?’
‘Because we also have a brain!’
‘It has nothing to do with that. I am a very well-educated man. I just don’t let my fears block my life, stop me from the pleasure of living. Look around you and show me how many people truly live free, are happy with who they are, or with one another and can truly do whatever they like?’
‘What about the consequences?’
‘There are always consequences. I don’t hurt people. I don’t lie, I’m completely honest.’
‘What if a woman falls in love with you? And you don’t like her anymore?’
‘They know what they’re getting into from the start. I can’t be responsible for exaggerated or foolish behaviour. I usually meet mature, real women who don’t have that problem.’
‘How convenient!’ I snorted.
‘It is. No one is hurt.’
‘How about…your wife?!’
‘The last thing I’d do is hurt my wife and children.’
‘I can’t be with you!’ I just blurted out. He seemed very surprised by this sudden change of conversation.
‘Why not?’ He chuckled.
‘I…fall in love easily and it takes a long time to get over it.’
‘It’s a beautiful thing, don’t ever oppress that!’
‘If…I am to have you, I want you all to myself.’
‘And you shall have me all to yourself!’
‘No, I mean all the time, just mine!’
‘That, I cannot do. I can offer you unforgivable moments, moments of happiness and pleasure.’
‘I’m sure you can.’
‘Then what’s the problem?’ He leaned forward frowning at me. I was glad the table separated us for fear and excitement took hold of me.
‘I am a complete woman to deserve a complete man, not just half, not share!’ I said honestly.
‘You’re confusing pleasure with marriage, my love. I’m sure one day you’ll meet a wonderful man who’ll be fully yours.’
‘But cheat as all men do,’ I concluded.
‘That…I cannot say,’ he answered amused.
‘You’re still a mystery to me,’ I blurted out again.
‘That’s good,’ he softly said.
‘You seem so deep yet so vain.’
‘You act as if it’s all so simple. It is as if you are wearing a mask and I don’t know who you truly are.’
‘I can be whatever you want me to be yet I assure you I remain and I am myself.’
‘Another puzzle then.’
‘It’s only a puzzle if you see it that way. You complicate things, think too much of what’s supposed to be, what it ought to be.’
‘You’re only here to sleep with me.’
‘Be with you,’ he corrected.
‘And if I refuse?’
‘Then that’s all right too. It’s not an obligation. I won’t stay awake at nights and think, she’s the one that got away. Women always want to feel wanted, desired, you want men to go insane just thinking about you, you want to be unique. You are not, though you are all unique in your own way.’
‘So what do we do?’ he asked taking advantage of that smile.
‘You tell me!’ I teased.
‘You want me to surrender,’ I replied to his smile.
He grinned looking absolutely adorable.
‘It’s a game isn’t it?’ I continued, ‘Chase after the woman, at first she seems so hard to get but eventually, oh, the sweet surrender?’
‘Yes,’ he said and he seemed very excited about it.
‘But the problem is...I hate losing.’
‘There is no losing or winning. It’s giving yourself to me as I am already willing to give myself to you. I surrender too.’
‘You do have your way with words.’
‘Good,’ he said yet he wasn’t smiling.
‘I hate you for being so arrogant, self assured and just so…full.. of it.’ Anger took over me.
‘I know you do.’ The words came out as a whisper and it just…calmed me down.
‘So, what will it be?’ he asked clearly getting impatient.
‘Let’s start with…a dance.’
‘A dance?’ He asked confused.
‘I love to dance.’
‘I bet you do. We can do whatever you want.’
‘Just a dance. But not the rest.’
‘What a horrible request!’ He chuckled irritated.
‘Just a dance,’ I repeated. ‘Could you? Would you?’
‘And then what?’
‘At the end of the dance you kiss me goodbye and we never see each other again.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘It’s the way it has to be.’
‘You women dream too much of a perfect…’
‘Moment?’ I interrupted, ‘that’s what we live for, remember?’
He bit his lip and frowned at me. I had no idea what he was thinking.
‘Where will we dance?’ he suddenly asked.
‘Anywhere you want, in a deserted alley, in the middle of the street, in an empty restaurant…’
‘We dance…’ he said as if checking if we were really talking about a dance.
‘And then…I kiss you.’
‘And then? What will you tell me after our goodbye kiss?’
‘I won’t be able to speak then, I’ll probably even cry. But I’ll want to say that you are unique, beautiful in every way possible and that if one day life will turn her back on you (as she always turns her back on all of us sooner or later), you’ll always have a friend to turn to. I’m not talking about sex. I learned that the worse thing in life is when you realize you’re all alone, when you need help and you find yourself standing alone no matter how many friends you used to have. I don’t want you to ever go through that so remember this, for all your days to come and for all your life is worth. I will be there if it ever comes to that.’
‘I don’t understand. Is this what all women want? Is this…I don’t…’ His face changed. He was worried, he was panicked, he was…
‘Finally, something you don’t understand. But you will, all you have to do is remember my words as I won’t be able to say them to you then, remember my tears. Will you remember?’
‘Yes,’ he said grimly.
‘You swear it?’
‘So?’ I said.
‘So what?’ His voice was sad now as if it were the end of a play.
‘Will you offer me that dance?’ I asked.