I have the feeling I have been bothering you guys a bit too much with my new experiences and thoughts, so I decided to post something fun for a change. Hope you guys have a laugh reading it.
I am no expert when it comes to sex…oh wait…I meant to say I am not an expert when it comes to boring sex…but I am an excellent advisor when it comes to kinky ass sex games ideas. If any of you is now reading this article with a poised pen ready to take notes, well…just read on and you will realize no need for taking notes. If you know me, I’m always a sarcastic, twisted humored bitch and this article was not created to improve anyone’s sex life. My life motto is ‘never give advice you can’t follow yourself.’
So here we go. This is basically a 11 ideas list of the most boring sex things you can ever do versus the most extreme twisted things you can actually try. Again, this is an article for fun use only but…if you are that fucked up minded then be my guest and try them out…not the boring ones but the better ones of course…
Boring: slap your lover on his or her buttocks.
Better: Pluck your lover’s hairs out with a set of tweezers, choose the most sensitive areas. Every time he/she winces from pain, hit him/her in the head with a newspaper and shout out ‘Bad dog!’ You can pluck and hit as long as you want but do stop if you see any signs of bleeding.
Boring: pour hot wax on your lover’s chest or buttocks.
Better: hold your lover’s hand over a candle until you smell hair burning. If your lover’s face grows red then the fire was close enough.
Boring: play the role of a complete stranger and seduce your lover.
Better: play the role of a vampire seducing a werewolf. Do not hesitate on using your teeth and biting your lover until you leave some bloody marks behind. You may also drink blood to make it more real. Please do not use any human or animal blood…;)
Boring: whisper sexy urges in your lover’s ears to turn him/her even more on.
Better: bark at your partner or start howling until the neighbors start complaining; ask how his/her mom is doing; tell him/her you’re thinking about someone else right now.
Boring: take control over your partner or let him/her be in charge.
Better: slap your partner hard in the face until he/she says ‘I surrender’
Better: paralyze your partner with a Taser gun or spray gas in his/her eyes.
Boring: public places
Better: other people’s homes, doggy houses, graveyards and homes for the elderly
Boring: during a rainy day
Better: during thunder and lightning, while outside, holding an iron dildo.
Boring: use the kamasutra book
Better: use self defense and medieval torture books
Better: wearing a trash bag; a teletubbie outfit or dress up as each other’s parents (dress up as his mom for him and dress up as her dad for her).
11. Best sexy food
Boring: eat strawberry off your partner’s naked body.
Better: eat a burger, fries and mayo off your partner’s naked body.