29 January 2017

To Do List 2017

When the weather is pure horrid and all you want is stay home, crawled up in a warm bed next to a hot body all I can do is support that wish and

…yes of course…

encourage it by sharing with you my 2017 to do list!


I didn’t want to share him with you up until now. But yes, this whole month I have been enjoying his company and I can’t say I can get enough of him. Yes I admit he’s a bit of a weirdo and his Sherlock lifestyle is quite complicated but hey, who doesn’t want a challenge? Benedict Cumberbatch is the new provocation!

And come now, wouldn’t you like him to use his Smaug voice in bed? No? Then it’s probably just me.


Celebrate Valentine’s day with a romantic fellow? You bet I will. Dan Stevens is such a sweetheart! And what better way to spend this romantic month than with the actor of the most romantic movie of 2017? Beauty and the Beast…though I do hope he still kept a bit of his beastie side…


Spring starts with this beautiful tigress ….Can she be more perfect…or evil? She’s playful, funny and looks absolutely cute with those horns, wouldn’t you agree? Lesley‑Ann Brandt the cutest demon you’ve ever set your eyes upon and not only that she is smart with a strong ass personality too. The only question is, can you handle her?


Yes it is April but he ain’t no fool ladies. He is a bit crazy but not a fool. Who hasn’t seen him in Filth and Split and wondered if his mind is not a bit twisted? And who wouldn’t love him for that? And if it ain’t that then it’s gotta be his gorgeous accent, right? James McAvoy has his peculiar charm accompanied by a great and irreplaceable talent.

The newbie on Ray Donovan’s show cannot go unnoticed. Give it up for Ismael Cruz Cordova! Those eyes and that perfect skin were made to be irresistible. So what he had a weird relationship with his sister…I have my weird shit too, like I eat too much candy…That body and the way you can see his soul right through those mesmerizing eyes, oh dear God…


For my Birthday I would like to go back to the classics. Dean of course will do just fine! I will have my perfect day with Jensen Ackles away from evil…but for the rest of the month we’ll spend a good old classic time hunting and slashing monsters, with some burgers and beer of course.


Applause for Galaxy’s hottest….Zoe Saldana! We’ll spend the month on the beach, party all night and wake up with coffee and pancakes!


The classic once more. Our own favorite Chris Hemsworth is here to enjoy the summer sun and make us feel loved and well…too hot all the time.


He cannot be missed especially in his wonderful role in Poldark! Talented and yummy, Aidan Turner!


Luke Evans doesn’t want to quit the list. He just insists on staying hot and beautiful all the time.


Maybe for the first time in a while a blondie girl makes her way through the list. She’s sweet yet smart and taugh! Lauren German is the hottest detective you’ve ever seen. And yes you may know her from her role in Chicago Fire but if you haven’t seen Lucifer, man, you know nothing!


Oh come, holiday fairytale season time. We need someone sweet and warm…just like a cup of hot coco with cinnamon. We need tiny marshmallows and a fireplace, we need…oh yes…our very own Enrique Iglesias! Oh yes, bachata time!

26 January 2017

Live and love

Every new year’s eve I used say

‘I hope next year will be better’.

I stopped doing so this year. I do not wish it to be better. I wish it to be just as diverse and different as last year.

I can’t say last year was a great year or however you may call it but it was different and that is more important. I did new things and though fear was in my heart every time now I am so happy I actually had the guts to do them. Only now do I realize how much I stagnated at one point and I know I will never go to that stage ever again. Some people like their lives to be the same every  day, to be in control of every situation and never be surprised by anything. It may sound like criticism but it’s not. Some people are like that and that it ok. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the person is happy the way his or her life is. No one said we should all travel, try new things, experience all there is to experience because we are not all the same. If we would all travel at the same time…imagine that…We are not all the same so the whole do this and do that does not apply to all of us. Just like Facebook. Not everyone wants to be on Facebook 24/7 share their pictures, experiences, locations with the rest of the world. You can’t call those people introverts, ugly, losers or whatever. 

We are all different and that is a good thing.

Anyway, back to the story. I am one of those people who wants to do new things constantly. I like to learn as much as I can from my life and experience all that is out there. Not that any of my activities ever made sense. I experienced being a reporter on a radio station, being a teacher, jewelry making, acting, all kinds of dance styles, painting lessons, guitar lessons, writing lessons, singing in a choir in German in a fraternity house (then giving a performance in a cathedral), performing a striptease show with a James Bond theme at a school party I helped organize, singing in front of colleagues at a work party, taking part of sword fighting lessons, experiencing capoeira and I remember at one point ending up at a meeting about American Indians where we sat in a circle and…I must say I forgot the rest. Then you have those little moments in life when you’re thinking what the fuck am I doing here? Being in a striptease club and getting a lap dance, sitting in a van next to a guy way too stoned to drive and wondering why you made that decision in the first place.

I am one of those people who later on in life would like to be one of those strange grandma’s and tell her grand-kids stuff that will make them wonder if I were ever totally sane. To me that’s life. Doing crazy things, things you’re not comfortable with and then creating memories that will last a lifetime. 

And love. 


Love is incredible if you ever experienced it in all of its purity. It’s addictive, it’s impossible, it’s beyond words. Though I realize there are people in this world that perhaps have never loved anyone in their lives. I can’t imagine being one of those people. To be so crazy about a person that only thinking about that person makes you walk on clouds, to understand the meaning of every love song, to cry when you’re staring at that face because it’s too beautiful to be true, to be willing to give all you have to that person and ask for absolutely nothing in return. I never thought I’d experience love at that intensity. Yet here I am, I lived and loved and experienced it in full. Never mind the pain, never mind the moments you want to pull your heart out and smash it against the window. There is no pleasure without pain, no love without heartache, no life without setbacks. If you want to keep yourself from getting hurt then you might as well become a robot and walk glued to the wall for the rest of your life. But in the end you will regret it. You will miserably regret it.

We are all different and I am sure the ones that have that fire constantly burning in their hearts in search for life are completely understanding this article and are probably people who have done similar things that I have done. I am a restless soul. It’s my curse and my blessing. I can never stay in one place too long without doing something new and I can never love without giving my own heart on a plate. But I am happy because I know I am not the only one. And I am sure a lot of you reading this article will feel connected to it some way or the other. My only advice is if you feel that restlessness inside you, do feed it from time to time and never suppress it.  You will be grateful for it in the future. So this year won’t be better than last year, it will just be different and filled with crazy shit and new experiences!

19 December 2016

Bokwa baby!

Oh yes, I can’t describe it better than this :)

Well of course I can and I will!
This summer I heard of the concept of Bokwa for the very first time and I immediately became mesmerized by the idea.

What is Bokwa? Basically a super cool cardio workout routine created by Paul Mavi (check out more on https://bokwafitness.com/en/) that doesn’t require choreography or counting steps. What you basically do is draw letters and numbers with your feet. Believe me I was already convinced that this could be something for me. I tried Zumba for example for a few times but I found the steps quite difficult to follow, the dance routine got changed almost every class and all I did was stare at my clumsiness in the mirror and laugh. I stopped at one point because it was more frustrating to keep up with the steps than to actually have fun. I tried fitness as well for a few months at a time but realized I easily got bored and didn’t have the motivation to go on with it. I was missing something. With Bokwa I had the feeling I was going to have some fun. And believe me I was not disappointed!

Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had the chance to not only practice Bokwa but actually become a Bokwa instructor myself! I am a writer and have an office job. At the end of the day I feel tired and sore, my back hurts, my legs, my arms etc. Going back to my apartment and sitting on my ass watching TV is not an option for me. I want to do something fun, forget about the sometimes stressful days and feel energized. Moreover I want to share this experience with others. Becoming an instructor, being fit and moreover motivating others to be fit in a fun and easy way, making them smile and forget about their own stressful days is something I admire and would like to achieve. Bokwa is fun, uses a combination of the latest hits as a workout music and it’s easy, everyone can do it but most important:

It makes you go out of your freaking mind!!!

My Bokwa journey started when I visited my instructor and mentor Dani Obleaga in Petrosani. I must say I didn’t know much of the city Petrosani but never had I expected it to be so cozy. Well and a bit cold as well as it is located further in the mountains for it is a mining region.

As I stood in the city center I watched how I was surrounded by mountains and thought what a wonderful view this must be to wake up to every morning. I can’t even imagine how cool it looks in the summer.

The people of Petrosani are so much different from Bucharest. I am from Bucharest myself so I can’t criticize much my fellow citizens but man, people in Petrosani are so much friendlier and honest.

Dani and his superb wife Simona invited me to a café, ‘Caffe Flore’ and it felt like Cheers. Seriously, everyone knew everyone and the bartender, Daniela Rasnoveanu, was so friendly and sweet. She served me with tea, chai latte and a great cocktail and it felt as if she was taking care of every customer with love and dedication. I seriously recommend this place to everyone. I sat there in the middle of what I could say strangers but they treated me like one of their own. I also noticed that some of the friends were actually participants to Dani and Simona’s workout classes. Need I say more?

Bokwa training day was very important to me so I was quite nervous. I was also nervous about my fellow students because I knew one of them had a lot of experience in dancing and I was afraid I might not be able to meet the expectations. But my instructor Dani made it very clear ‘Everyone Can Bokwa! Bokwa is for everybody!’ And moreover he gave me the feeling he believed in me right from the start.

I imagined my fellow students would be some fitness big shots with attitude. Never was I more wrong.  One of the students was Alin, a firefighter, a father and husband who owns his own business. He wanted to do something new and expand his horizon. He was down to earth and eager to learn. The other student (the one I was afraid of) was Costin PG, a talented and funny Entertainer with great moves but also very down to earth and motivated. So both my fellow students weren’t that fitness image I had expected. Actually all three of us came from three different worlds. But this was no challenge for our instructor as he, assisted by his superb wife and talented beyond words, Simona (yes I am in love with her :)), was able to make the Bokwa moves both challenging and fun to learn for all three of us. We started with power and ended with power and I swear not a moment during that day did my smile fade away. I felt every muscle in my body, put all negative thoughts aside and really concentrated on the music.

I can’t tell you the muscle ache I have right now, all three of us do, but that is also what makes us proud. Dani and Simona offered us a great opportunity to learn from them. Their modesty and eagerness to pass on this beautiful concept is truly admiring. What I forgot to tell you is this. When I entered their gym at ‘D&S Fit & Fun Studio’ my mouth fell open facing their wall filled with pictures, diploma’s and certifications over the years, there is no fitness concept they didn’t do and no dance style they didn’t know, they’ve travelled all over the world and performed various shows. But they never once, not even once did they stand above us or tried to show us that they are better because of their experience. These kind of people are very hard to find these days and I am honored to have met them and to be able to work with them in the future. I feel like a chick who will be taught how to fly by eagles and yes I know chicks can’t fly but believe me this one will ;)

What I like most about Bokwa is that its goal is to make you move and have fun at the same time. The instructors aren’t stuck up or try to show off their talents every step of the way. The instructors want to truly make you forget about your day, the problems at home, the stress and just listen to the music, feel the power and have fun!

I believe in this concept and I believe it will keep on rising in the next few years (it has already been spread worldwide). I believe this not only because the concept is well thought and effective but also because the people who pass it on (who are truly like one big family) are dedicated and down to earth to make the best of a fitness workout and to see a smile on every participant, thus making the best of us.

Bokwa, here we come!

26 November 2016

Life is a gamble

A few weeks ago I was sitting in a restaurant completely irritated about the fact that the waitress was taking too long to take my order. I was about to leave but then the waitress finally showed up. I ordered a sandwich and within a few minutes it was in front of me.

I tasted the sandwich and I thought wow! This is incredibly good!

If the waitress had told me from the beginning that their food was so good I wouldn’t have bothered growing so impatient and irritated with her in the first place. This because I would have known that the outcome will be great.

Then I had to think about it for a moment. Doesn’t that apply to our everyday lives? If we knew something good was about to happen to us, we wouldn’t bother overthinking everything anymore. We’d look at our present differently and we would enjoy the moment knowing that good things will come our way and that those good things are certain. Unfortunately we don’t have that certitude. It would be easier wouldn’t it? To know that a job will lead you somewhere eventually so you know your efforts now will pay up later, or that a relationship will grow and become so much more so that gives you strength to put up with the down sides now. Or perhaps the other way around, if we knew now that the path we’ve chosen will lead us to nowhere we’d be able to take a different path and spare ourselves the trouble.

But we don’t!

I could have just as well gotten a crappy sandwich instead and my irritation would have just grown bigger. Or I could have left to a different restaurant and missed out on this perfect tasty sandwich.

What is the point that I’m trying to make?

Life is a gamble. If you don’t gamble at all you will never have a chance in winning. If you gamble a lot the chances are you will either win more than you could have imagined or take the worst fall you’ve ever been afraid of all your life. The decision is in your hands. Patience, forgiveness, ambition, these are all qualities you need in order to succeed but invest them in the wrong path and you’ll be wasting your time and talent. Then again there are people who say we don’t waste our time when we are trying to achieve something, even if we fail, we either win or learn.

Looking at my own life I don’t know what is better. I have the tendency of liking too many things at the same time when it comes to my hobbies, to my career perspectives and when it comes to love, well…I put all of me in it. I go all the way when it comes to the matters of the heart which also means that I fall all the way down when it goes wrong. Quote strange because when it comes to changing my career perspective I usually decide to stand in the middle afraid I might fail and will have to start all over again. From both these experiences I learn a lot but I can’t say my health finds it very invigorating. And what else do we have than our health? If our health goes down, then the story ends. So to me it’s a constant juggling between my passion, ambitions, love and my health, trying to keep them all in balance. Some might say change the way you are, the way you think. To me it’s difficult to be selfish when I care too much about others and it’s difficult to be indifferent when I can see even with my eyes closed. And I don’t want to shut myself from the world, become one of those cold hearted people, my only aim to make money and live in luxury. I am not like that. To me, if there is no one to share it with, money, life itself become completely useless. 

I talk a lot about gambling but perhaps another word for it is faith.  Have faith that all will turn out well and not worry about the future. But then again, that word seems too positive for me. I can’t say I always expect good things to happen. I am not a very positive person, never was and never will be. I just believe that being too positive creates different expectations and only leads to disappointment, while expecting the worse leads to either affirmation or pleasant surprises. 

What to do next? Perhaps start gambling a little less and then see how it goes from there. Invest in love little by little instead of spending it all at once. Not sure if that means I will suffer just a bit every day instead of suffering all at once…

I am sure you have your own opinion on the subject so I will end this post by quoting Heath Ledger’s smooth statement from the Casanova movie:

‘I have too long dominated the conversation. What are your thoughts on the matter?

14 November 2016

Failed Boomie: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Once again I am in need of expressing my frustration for the latest Boomie I have seen. For those who don’t know what I am about to do, check out my last post on the subject, The Mortal Instruments, just in case you think this will be a nice post…

Recently I have finished reading Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. Then I had the audacity of watching the movie. The reason why I wanted to see the movie? Well, I thought Eva Green, Judi Dench, Samuel L. Jackson, these are all big names and surely they would not get themselves involved in a crappy movie that might cost them their reputation? And Tim Burton as director this movie is going to be big! The main role was played by Asa Butterfield and I remembered him from Nanny McPhee Returns and the Merlin series. I thought he was pretty good back then so there would be no bad acting this time.

The movie starts quite in the middle of the action, no introductions, no hello, no time to comprehend the situation so for a person who has not read the book this would just be ‘whaaat?’ Characters were changed for example Jake’s friend Rick was suddenly older and had grown a pair of boobs.

I started getting a bit suspicious when grandpa’s body was found dead with his eyes gone…hey that wasn’t in the book, was it? And the reason behind the attack that the police used was quite spectacular: ‘dogs did that, they usually aim for the soft spot.’ Not only is that different from the book but it just does not make any fucking sense. Dogs did that? Dogs usually suck eyes out? Yes, really? I have never seen a dog attack in which the dog simply sucks the eyes out and then leaves the rest of the body intact. Not only do they fuck up the book straight from the beginning they also seem to think morons are watching the movie.

Then the process in which Jake thinks he is mad goes pretty fast, his doctor has also grown a pair of boobs unlike the character in the book…And then there is no time to pause for a moment and explain anything about what was happening because before you know it, we are on the island.

And there she comes to wreck the day! Ella Purnell, a bug eyed little stuck up biach completely different than what I had imagined Emma looked like while reading the book itself. Oh and small detail, she does not have the power to manipulate fire anymore, she is floating around…a power that was actually Olive’s. Oh, so you basically switched the powers of the characters, oh, no big deal, you just fucked up the whole entire story but no big deal…

The whole friendship that grows between Emma, Jake, Browning and Mildred is put aside. Why bother? It’s not like they worked together at the end of the book…because that also is totally ignored in the movie.

Enoch’s clay soldiers are replaced with some poppets…like we hadn’t seen the poppets idea before…yeah change that part in the movie because in the book it just didn’t make any sense, right?

Oh and Victor, yes, Victor is not old, his eyes are just…missing. Just so that Miss Peregrine can go outside and shoot a monster…another scene that is entirely useless and makes no fucking sense.

They left out the part with the bog boy, the bird watcher who was actually mysterious and had not talked to either Jake or his dad, dad’s own issues in writing the book and never being able to finish it and who the fuck is Mr Barron? Who the fuck is that? He was never in the book. The experiment on the ymbryne while they all sat in a circle never happened in the book. It was Miss Pelegrine’s brothers who tried the experiment and failed.

The whole end of the book makes no fucking sense whatsoever. In fact people who were watching this movie just looked at me and said: this movie makes no fucking sense! And I like an idiot was trying to convince them that the book is totally different, that the story was basically raped, torn apart, it’s like a puzzle that has been dissembled then put back together, but a lot of pieces went missing so we decided to replace them with handmade paper that doesn’t even fit!!!

Eva Green, Judi Dench, Samuel L. Jackson, shame on you. You knew very well this movie was going to be a disaster yet you decided to go along. You are great actors and you have lowered yourselves to something like this…I wonder why…

Why is it so difficult to stick to the fucking book story line? It should be the easiest thing in the world. If you want to change the book and create another story then just create your own fucking story and leave the book out of it. Am I the only one who thinks these sort of actions make no sense whatsoever? And it’s happening over and over again, Mortal Instruments, Beautiful Creatures…total bullshit movies and no one understands why people bothered making them in the first place.

My advice, don’t watch the movie! You will only cry because of the waste of talent and money and your own waste of time. Stick to the book, it’s beautiful, fun and the pictures they used in the book are actually real which gives it a wonderful magical touch. Please, for the love of God don’t watch the movie. Ignore it, forget it ever existed!

26 August 2016

Demons and Angels

Yes, we have it all: demons, angels, hell and heaven and we don’t have to look very far to find it. It is all on this lovely planet we call Earth. Are these demons or angels far away from us? Are they hiding so that we cannot see them or are they walking in broad daylight, terrifying or touching our hearts to the core? Do they have grotesque faces or are they wearing pretty masks? Well, take a better look…in the mirror. The demons and the angels I am talking about are not out there, they are inside you, for you are both a demon and an angel.

I believe and I dare say this with all my heart that we all, all of us, can be pushed to the verge of suicide, no matter how weak or strong we think we are, we can all commit selfless acts and we are all, I mean fucking all of us, are capable of murder. ‘Not me’, I hear you say, ‘I wouldn’t hurt a fly’. Yes, even you! We all have our weak points, our limits, our kryptonite, our temptations and when that is triggered we become something that even we wouldn’t be able to recognize. Hell and heaven is on Earth because we have created them with our own mighty hands and hearts. No need to blame it on anyone or anything else.

I believe there are a lot of ‘incurable’ illnesses in this world that already have a cure but are kept secret. I mean, why share it and stimulate population growth? If we’d only have people dying of old age, it will all just cost more wouldn’t it? How will the rich people otherwise enjoy their overly expensive lives? And then of course get depressed because they are bored with always having everything? And yes, that’s another thing, depression. It’s one of the worst. Never take it lightly but never encourage it either. I believe a lot of people have lost the hope of a better life, their purpose in life becoming meaningless, a lot of us wake up every day realizing we cannot do anything more than breathe and live out our lives. Some of us grew up believing we could become great some day but, slowly yet certainly, we faced the painful slaps, day by day realizing that that dream will only stay a dream. Some of us decide to end it and end our lives with it. Others decide to fight anyway. That doesn’t make any of these choices weak. That’s the point of life. We should all have a choice. The worse thing in life is when the choice is made for us: others keeping us dead while we want to live or keeping us alive when all we want is to parish.

Yes, perhaps this is another of my posts that will only make sense to perhaps 2% of the ones that read it. But it doesn’t matter. We are everything and nothing all at once, we can love and hate with all our hearts, envy or wish everyone the best, fight or accept, murder or let live, wake up crying or wake up smiling, complain or keep it on the inside, hurt or be hurt, scream or sing it out, bring people closer to us or push them away, live for yourself or for others too, keep it all to yourself or share it, cover it all up or show it all, live or die. That’s our choice is it not? We can all choose to become angels or demons, make this place a hell or heaven. And of course, we can choose to be both, an angel with a touch of demon, half demon half angel, or a demon with a drop of angel. What’s the difference? What’s the point of struggling everyday and trying to keep the right demon/angel balance? Well, it all depends on you. How do you want to live? Do you want to live in a hell or in a heaven? Some don’t even have a choice but I am sure you do. So what will it be? What will you become? 

24 July 2016

Stop your nonsense baby

What can I say in this new world that is continuously changing? A world where Social Media is becoming more and more powerful getting people running around like zombies chasing invisible monsters, bitches photoshopping their everyday pictures before posting them and morons judging people who do not have Facebook as if they do not have a personal life?

Nothing has changed, people have always cared about their appearance, about what others think of them, about showing people that they have money, that they are smart, that they are happy, that they are popular. People have always needed someone to envy their lives, their happiness, admire their relationships, tell them how beautiful and perfect they are even if it comes from complete strangers.

Shallowness has never left our side. With Social Media is has only been magnified. And we have grown more insecure because we decide to put ourselves out there and actually give a fuck about what our ‘friends’ think of us. And wonder why that person did not give a ‘like’ and decide not to ‘like’ them back. It’s basically our normal behavior only now we decided to monitor it on screen. New lovers trying to show the world how in love they are by posting every private moment they have together on Facebook. Well, do tell me, if you are truly having a romantic dinner, why the fuck are you sitting with your mobile in your hands? Why aren’t you looking your lover in the eyes? We look at video’s and read texts of people who actually are living their lives out there and wonder why our lives have grown more and more meaningless. We use the internet to tell us how sick we are, how in love we are, if our partner is truly a match, if we are happy…The moment you start searching for answers in other places, it’s the moment someone’s got to hit you with a hammer hard on your head. Live your life and stop your bullshit! Yeah I know, I myself am using Social Media to actually be able to make you read this…isn’t it fucking ironic?

Yes, yes, I am in one of those moods. I grow grumpy when I see people becoming even more and more stupid and doing nothing to improve their actual life. Well, I grow grumpy for a moment and then I let it go. Why would I give a damn about this world? Many might see me as a loner but I am just a 30 plus human with a very low tolerance to ignorance and stupidity. You will learn that as the years pass you by you will realize how precious your own time is and how pointless it is to waste it on fake friendships, negative relationships and well basically total nonsense. You will realize that you should always do the things you like, always say what you want to say and follow your own path no matter how weird and freaky it is to others. And don’t be hard on yourself if on a Friday night you find yourself all alone in your home smoking cigs and drinking. It’s perfectly normal! You aren’t a loser! You aren’t a freak! And you do not have any mental problem! New mental illnesses get invented every single day to put a label on whatever you are feeling. Ignore that shit. We always have the need to name everything we don’t understand and explain it in such ways that everyone will think they have it. Give me a fucking break.

If you have the feeling the world has gone mad, well please do realize that the world has always been mad. Now they just have easier access to certain things. And we have easier access to see all the shit that is going on in the world, every detail, every bloody drop. Because let’s face it, people are always hungry for tragedies, shocking news, sex and violence. People love it! If we wouldn’t then the news wouldn’t be filled with it. And the media needs to make money too. Money. Money is still power. Always has, always will be.

I accept all these things but it does not mean I have to give a damn about it. I am following my own narrowed street in life, not sure where it is going but as long as I can enjoy the view nothing else matters. And if I happen to come across you in the way, I have all the time in the world so we can go to an inn, have a drink or two and talk about your own travelling.

Life is beautiful, fucked up people messed it up but life alone is beautiful. I like to see the world, travel, talk to people who still listen to their hearts, play with animals, make music listening to the rhythm of love and just live. It’s not that hard.

17 June 2016

When fear changes into love

I must confess, I have never been on a holiday alone. Yet circumstances made that happen. No matter how much I pushed and tried to avoid that situation, it just fucking happened.

I wasn’t very eager on the concept. I found it so strange to travel alone, be surrounded by couples and families and to be just with myself. In the beginning I hated it. I just didn’t like it one bit. I found it so odd and just unreal. I was alone with my thoughts, my pain, my memories and I was driving myself crazy. But then I said to myself, I have two choices: either I cry every day, lock myself up and feel miserable, or I can just let go and see what happens.
And so many good things happened.

My fears changed into serenity. I walked on the beach and stared at the sea, I stared at the sun for hours. I loved feeling of the wind in my hair and to be just with me. My thoughts that first drove me insane started to vanish. I had no more thoughts, I had no more worries. Just me. Me, right now and no one else.

But the loneliness didn’t last long. I made new friends. Sudden but so beautiful. At first I was skeptic. I was even distant because I didn’t understand the sudden change. I was going to be here alone for a week, not make friends and laugh. I was going to be crawled in my sanctuary, all quiet and silent, not talk and open up. But these friends were not going to let that happen. They ‘forced’ me to come back to my social self and become alive again.

The day trips also offered me wonderful experiences. I saw the ruins of Effes and I was totally impressed by how our world used to look like. It’s amazing to hear stories about the past and imagine it into the here and now. And then realize what the fuck happened to the world? Look at us worrying about the most pathetic little things instead of living our lives like we truly should.
I found peace and complete serenity at Saint Mary's house. I loved it and it was an experience that I can't even explain. I will just remember it until I die...and far beyond my death.

On my birthday I wasn’t alone anymore. I missed home but I wasn’t alone. And the pathetic me that was going to be sad for that day was now smiling, happy, at peace and even willing to party her ass off. I didn’t mind telling people that on my birthday I did absofucking nothing. Just on the beach, got tanned and listened to music. To me it was perfect!

The next day we went on a boat trip and there was a moment. One moment when I was alone. When I stared at the sea and wondered if there is a God out there after all. A moment when I wondered there is something there, someone out there and I felt protected and loved. I don’t believe in God but I do believe in the fact that there is more out there than we realize. Much more. We are merely humans and the world is much bigger than us, it would be arrogant to think that we are the only ones on this planet. We are not special, we are not big, we are only ants trying to survive. But this ant stopped and looked ahead and she felt something powerful. Not everyone will understand this part. You guys will probably think I smoked something but to be honest, like always, I don’t give a fuck!

Then more came. I had friends, I had fun, I had peace, what else could come? The feeling of being beautiful again, of being desired, of being loved. The moment you start looking in the mirror and smile. The moment you feel something in your belly and you think, no way I can still feel that. That is not for me anymore. I am too old, too tired to feel that. I am too smart and have been through too much to believe in that. Sometimes you gotta stop thinking and you just need to feel. Just feel. Don’t think about the future, don’t worry, don’t start thinking of what others might think, just feel…

I don’t want to be one of those people who says ooooh on this journey I have found myself and ohhh I am so changed. That’s just bullshit. We constantly find ourselves and we constantly change so that’s not my point. I guess what I am trying to say is that this journey took a different path than I expected. Whatever you feel, whatever you think, sometimes things happen and you will have no control over them. So don’t panic, don’t be afraid. Just enjoy it and let it happen.

Don’t be afraid to be alone on a trip. Some of you already travel alone and that’s good. Those who don’t, don’t be afraid of it. It’s fine, it really is. And who knows what you might find.
Thanks for reading this, here is a picture of Skippy enjoying himself, like he always does :)


16 May 2016

Durere de scriitor

Am zis să mai scriu și eu în Română că tot m-am întors acasă. Să sperăm că nu fac greșeli prea mari dar na, dacă fac, asta e, ca și în viață, mai bine cu greșeli decât să nu incerc deloc.

Proful meu de chitară mi-a spus o dată că atunci când suntem triști sau răniți putem creea cea mai frumoasă muzică de pe lumea asta. În schimb, atunci când suntem fericiți, n-avem nicio treabă și fugim în lume să ne bucurăm de tot și de toate.

Asta m-a pus oarecum pe gânduri. Când scriu eu cel mai mult? Atunci când sunt tristă sau fericită? Și îmi dau seama că atunci când sunt fericită nu prea am chef de scris. De obicei îmi găsesc inspirația când mă confrunt cu emoții puternice și chiar devastatoare. Atunci încep cuvintele să curgă din mine.

Și așa am inceput să mă gândesc la toți scriitorii pe care i-am admirat de-alungul vieții. De exemplu Bram Stoker. Fusese îndrăgostit de un actor toată viața lui dar dorința nu i-a fost niciodată îndeplinită. Dacă citești cu atenție Dracula, îți vei da seama că acea poveste a capturat ceva din durerea lui Bram. Femeile din viața lui Edgar Allan Poe se pare că l-au ‘abandonat’ una câte una începând cu propria sa mamă. Dacă nu ar fi trecut prin toată acea durere, nu cred că ar fi reușit să scrie vreodată poezii și povești atât de întunecate și puternice cum ar fi ‘The Raven’. Sau viața lui Emily Bronte și a surorilor ei, Mary Shelley și moartea soțului ei și așa mai departe. Experiența lor, durerea lor este ce a dat naștere la adevărata lor fața, imagine, creație, la poveștile și cărțile pe care le citim cu așa mare drag în ziua de azi. Gândește-te la asta, cum poți să scrii despre pierderea cuiva dacă nu ai trecut niciodată prin asta? Cum poți scrie de o inimă zdrobită dacă nu ți s-a întamplat ție niciodată așa ceva?

Dacă nu aș fi avut acele momente în viața mea când pur și simplu îmi venea să îmi smulg capul de pe umeri, cu păr cu tot și să-mi zdrobesc creierul de un perete de nenumarate ori, nu cred că aș fi putut vreodată să scriu de un personaj care se simte la fel. Dacă nu aș fi știut cum e să ai o inimă frânta în mii și mii de bucățele nu aș fi putut să scriu în detalii cum este acel sentiment.

E urât când o spun dar poate că scriitorii trebuie să treacă prin anumite experiențe în viață ca să ne poată atinge inima atât de puternic. E urât că o spun pentru că viețile lor au fost tragice toate sfârșind în întuneric.

Când cineva a trăit o viață frumoasă, bogată și se apucă să-ți scrie despre sărăcie și mizerie, pot spune că nu e atât de convingătoare toată treaba. Nu știu, poate gândesc eu ciudat. Dar pentru mine adevărații scriitori sunt cei care simt în profunzime tot ce scriu și au habar de ceea ce pun pe hârtie. Și nu numai scriitorii dar și cântareții, compozitorii, viața lui Mozart de exemplu care a fost o adevărată aventură, tragedie, iubire, pierdere, tot ce vrei și nu-mi spune că nu simți asta când asculți opera lui, când te uiți la Don Giovanni și aștepți cu sufletul la gură până la sfârșitul piesei.

Toți acești scriitori, artiști, personalitați și-au dat viața pentru creațiile lor, pentru că au crezut în ceva mai puternic decât ei înșiși, au avut o viziune neînfricată, au incercat să dedice arta lor pentru cei care au rămas și de multe ori chiar pentru cei care s-au dus inaintea lor.

Cum se naște adevărata artă? Prin sacrificii. Multe sacrificii și un sfârșit tragic de fiecare data. Sper să nu ajung așa cu toate că uneori e o mare ceartă între îngerii și demonii din mine. Sper totuși să pot lăsa durerile vieții pe hârtie iar în realitate să încep să văd lucrurile cu niște ochi mai fericiți. Dar e greu, e foarte greu să vezi lumina într-o lume atât de întunecată și mai rău, o lume complet ignorantă. Uneori mă uit în jur și mă gândesc oare mai citește lumea o carte, mai ascultă lumea muzica adevărată sau preferă să se uite în acel ecrănel care ne mănâncă inteligența și talentul? Uneori nici nu știu dacă mai are sens să scriu. Cine mai citește? Să mă opresc oare din scris? Nu, niciodata. Problema e că trebuie să scriu. Nu mă pot opri chiar dacă aș vrea. Trebuie să scriu, să sufăr, să scriu, să iubesc apoi să sufăr din nou. Pentru că până la urma, asta e viața nu? Plină de dragoste, tragedii și sacrificii.